*It’s Your Child’s First Day of School…
You’ve been prepping them all summer. You talked to them about all the wonderful things they are going to see, they are going to play with, and all the nice friends they are going to meet. You even went as far as walking them past their new school a few times already! You’re the most over prepared parent ever and then you think to yourself “let’s get ready to do this”.
You get their backpack. You pack their lunch. Keys and jackets in hand…and then it hits you. IT’S YOUR BABY’S FIRST DAY OF PRESCHOOL!
All of a sudden the panic sets in! What if kids are mean to him? What if he cries? What if he grabs? He’s not potty trained yet! Ahhhhhh!
You can feel the anxiety rising as you get closer to the new school. You get out of the car and have to hold it together for your little one so he can be calm. But ask yourself, after all of the prep work you did for him, have you done any for yourself?
This is what we’re going to tackle today. A little something called parent separation anxiety.
You’ve heard of child separation anxiety (if you haven’t you can link back to a previous post explaining everything HERE), but have you ever stopped to think that there might be a reverse effect that occurs for the parent as well? Well there is! And it’s not fun. And it’s scary. And it’s gut wrenching. So let’s make it a little easier shall we?
Spoiler alert for you wonderful but anxious parents…it will all be okay.
Now let’s get into it!
*Is Parent Separation Anxiety a Thing?
To be honest, the concept of parent separation anxiety is absolutely not a novice idea. However, it consistently takes a backseat when prepping one’s child for school for the first time.
Now, this makes sense because you are always putting your child first and making sure they are calm, and excited, and ready.
But, this does not mean any feelings or emotions you have go away. Most of the time it is actually the most over prepared parents that forget to schedule in time teaching THEMSELVES how to cope with the new transitions.
*Where Does It Come From?
Let’s look at this closer. Every parent wants to make sure of two things in life; their child is happy and successful (whatever that looks like to you). So, if these are the two goals then you, as the parent, will do whatever necessary to get them there.
Beginning school will be the first time they will be away from home ever before, so you go into over preparedness mode even more. You get them new clothes, a backpack (that they really don’t need), maybe some crayons and a note pad, and a water bottle (definitely a water bottle!).
Then you focus all your time on attending to the social emotional aspect of what this big transition will bring on for them. But what about you? Will this change not have any effect on you?
*Evaluate Your Anxiety Levels
We need to evaluate how you deal with change as well. No matter what kind of change, there is always an involuntary ripple effect that will occur. Therefore, beginning school creates simultaneous feelings of anxiety, excitement, and even exhaustion at times both on the child’s side and the parents side.
It only makes sense to create coping strategies for both parties involved. Let’s see how to do that.
*Strategies to Beat Parent Separation Anxiety
Every individual handles change, conflict, celebration, etc. using their own means and methods. As adults these coping strategies have already been programmed into us as we were growing up. So how you handle a situation will be specific to you but do not fret! There’s always a bag of tricks to reach for when the transition becomes just a little bit too hard.
#1 Keep Realistic Expectations
This is a huge one. If you provide yourself with enough time to actually focus on what to expect for yourself, you’ll be able to preempt any behaviors or issues that may arise.
A lot of this information can be provided by the school your child will be attending as well. One of the big questions you should always ask when first researching schools is how they deal with separation anxiety, especially if your child has never been in a school or class environment before.
By understanding and learning what to expect during the transition period, you can work on making plans for those situations before they even occur.
#2 Understanding Your Emotional Range
This strategy may sound somewhat obvious but it is always good to evaluate your feeling and emotional responses to various situations. This is pertinent when regarding big changes in your life. It is important not to write this one off because you never know what is going to spark an emotional response from you.
Sure, there are obvious ones during milestones like weddings, funerals, graduation, etc. But having your child start school could unexpectedly spark something that may render you anxious or upset. It is always good to consider all possible results so you can prepare yourself for the good and the bad.
#3 Check in with Yourself
If you do get anxious, what are some things you already know that will help calm you down? Use those tried and true methods if needed. Do not think that you can just walk in and walk out. If you see your child crying, which is a typical behavior for the first few drop offs, you cannot sit there holding them for an hour while the rest of the class carries on.
You have to have your own strong coping mechanisms that will allow you to transition out so that your child can work on acclimating to their new classroom as smoothly as possible.
Know your emotional responses.
#4 Give Yourself “The Talk”
It is important when getting ready for a big change in your life to know what the process will be, measure how you think you’ll respond, and strategies for exiting as smoothly as possible. One way to do that is to have a strong self talk before anything really takes place.
Here are some things to think about:
What are you going to do if your child does not want to go in?
Are you allowed to stay in the classroom? If so, for how long?
What are you going to do if your child starts crying? Worse, what if they have a tantrum?
What do you need to do in a moment of anguish and frustration that will help your child transition the best?
Remember, whatever you need to do right now is not supposed to settle your child and make them happy. It’s what you need to do to make sure you alleviate their separation anxiety as much as possible and as fast as possible. Sometimes that isn’t staying with them in the classroom for two hours while they refuse to move from between your legs. Will you be strong enough to leave when the teacher says it’s time to go?
This is what you need to consider and provide yourself self-talk for because all of these things will happen. So the best thing you can do in preparing yourself is going over these situations and know what you have to do to exit out as best as possible.
Do the self-talk. Prepare yourself.
*What to Do If Panic Sets in
After doing all the preparation, both for your little one and yourself, you’re ready to go to school right? Most likely.
We always need to be reasonable with ourselves that no matter how much we prep, we are about 98% ready. This is simply because you have never gone through that situation before. Any first time situation is only an idea or thought until you have actually gone through it. Once you have, you know everything to expect!
So you’re almost there! But always just understand there can be some extra factors that throw it a little out of the loop. Or, despite preparing yourself as much as possible, you never really comprehended what it would take for you to leave while your child is crying “mommy”.
Just remember, that you have strategies. You are prepared, and even if you end up crying in your car for an hour after drop off, you’re not the first or the last to do that. It will all be okay.
*Summary
Now that you’ve prepped yourself enough, you’re ready to take on the first day of school with your little one. Keep in mind that every student’s transition is different. Even though you are preparing for the negative aspects, there is a chance that your child walks in without any issues at all and forgets to say goodbye. Believe me, it’s happened, and it leaves the parent with all the sadness of “my child doesn’t need me anymore”.
No matter how your child transitions, the important thing is that you are there for yourself just as much as you are there for them. Having 2 strong parties is always going to be better than 2 anxious and upset ones. So keep it positive, be prepared, and move through as seamless as possible.
Remember, you can always revisit this post for any helpful tips and for knowing that you are never alone in this. Good luck!
As always, if you have any comments or ideas you’d like to share definitely leave them in the comments below. It’s always great to help your fellow parents!
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