Let me paint a picture….
It’s free-play in the classroom. The preschoolers are moving about, making choices, playing puzzles, dancing on the rug with friends, cooking in the pretend kitchen. Your child is using the spatula to pick up the plastic egg to serve their friends and all of a sudden Billy just grabs the spatula from your child.
How dare they! They didn’t ask. They weren’t using it. It’s not Billy’s turn. It’s your child’s turn! But Billy grabbed it and he’s holding on tight. Your child looks at Billy with well deserved frustration… and 3…2…1… BITES HIM.
The next few moments are a whirlwind. Billy starts scream crying, your child starts crying. Both kids are removed from the classroom. Billy is attended to by the nurse to see if more first aid is needed, your child is sitting next to a teacher outside… and then comes your phone call. Your child has bit another kid.
What do you do? How do you function if you have a biter?… Well fear not, I’m going to give you my tried and tested tips for getting through a possible biting phase and getting out on the other side with as few phone calls as possible.
*Does This Mean My Kid is Aggressive?
When you first encounter biting it will definitely take you aback. Questions start swirling… is there something wrong? Is my kid a biter? Is he going to be more aggressive? Oh my god what do I do if he hurts other children? When is he going to bite again?
I mean the anxiety you can cause yourself will be endless. So let’s get one thing straight. Biting is a behavior, yes a physical behavior, that comes from lack of communication. So if you think your kid is a biter then first ask yourself what are they trying to communicate?
We do not want to label any child, or in fact label as little as possible if we can. Would your child be regarded as aggressive for having a biting tendency? Honestly, maybe. But you should really try to avoid that both at home and at school. By labeling them as aggressive you are putting predisposed notions about how your child will act. This will not only prolong the biting phase but if people expect them to act physically or start saying they will, then guess what… your child is going to start acting that way. This invites a whole host of other behaviors such as hitting, hair pulling, swatting, etc.
So please do not label.
*Why is My Kid Biting?!
Next, as mentioned, when a child shows behaviors like this, such as biting, it’s because they cannot communicate their emotions or wants. Therefore they move to what they can control such as their physical behavior. For example, if a child is happy but doesn’t have the words perhaps they’ll laugh, smile, and give you a hug. If a child is upset and doesn’t have the words, they can scream, hit, and even bite.
This is also why as we grow older and our communication improves we move out of this phase. You don’t see adults in meetings biting each other because they disagree. It just doesn’t happen. But as a toddler or preschooler learning verbal communication and social decorum for the first time, it’s very possible this can happen. This is actually very important to understand from both points of view, as the parent of the “biter” and as the parent of the “bitee”.
*How to Manage Your Response
When in a situation where your child has bitten you or another family member or possibly a playdate friend, obviously the first instinct is to separate them and make sure whoever was bit is going to be okay.
After that the normal flow process is to return to your child and tell them “NO BITING!! And then honestly, have what I would identify as an adult lecture given to a child of no more than 2-3yrs of age. Save yourself the breathe, they won’t understand you. They’ll see that you’re physically upset, and that will cause an internal reaction within them. But using language that is far above their reach is silly. Again, their issue is lack of verbal communication skills.
Now this does not mean you should not address the issue and pretend everything’s fine. It’s absolutely not and your child has to learn that this behavior is not acceptable. I would recommend that once calm, use a very basic script, see below:
“That Hurt!” (and point to your arm or where the bite is)
“Ouch!” (and point to your arm again)
“Mommy Ouch!” (and continue pointing to your arm)
“(insert child’s name) hurt mommy. Ouch!” (start gently swinging your arm such as you would do for a wound)
“(insert child’s name) bite mommy. Ouch!” (and swing arm again)
The point is to teach your child the connection between their behavior and the after effect. They do not understand, as most kids don’t at this age, the caliber of incident they created. That is also why just yelling at them really does nothing. You have to use language that they understand and for most kids this age it’s going to be 2-3 word utterance or perhaps a small sentence or so. Then connect it with physical displays of unease, pain, discomfort, and sadness. Kids are more visual at this age so showing a pained look, swinging your arm in pain and mentioning the action verb “bite” helps to establish that connection for them that what they did caused pain and discomfort.
*Immediate Reminder of Appropriate Positive Behavior
Next, you’re going to want to rectify their response with a reminder of what positive physical behavior is allowed by using a verbal prompt such as “gentle hands”. I much more reinforce positive behaviors than the negative because again you are trying to make that connection with your child. If you’re always saying no running, no hitting, no screaming, well that’s what they are going to learn. But if you provide them with the positive such as gentle hands, gentle body, listening ears, then that is what is going to be reinforced.
So after this incident and explaining that what they did hurt you, in language they comprehend, have them physically show you gentle hands. Take your child’s hand, with hand over hand support from you, and gently rub the area they bit while saying “gentle hands only”. Keep repeating this action until you think they grasped it. Consistency and repetition is key.
*Follow Through Consequence
Now you are going to need to provide a consequence for your child and you must follow through on this. Cause and effect is how all children learn especially during the early years. Make sure it is a consequence that matches the action or it won’t make sense to them. For example, if they bit you, then they cannot be with you right now because they caused you harm. The same goes for a playdate friend. If they bit a friend, then that friend must play somewhere else away from them. And make sure your child understands why they are not allowed to play with that person. If you bite, the consequence is you cannot play with that person. That person goes away from you.
You will also want to see why your child bit you, what is the reasoning behind it? If it was to get a toy or something then that toy, just like that person, gets taken away. If it’s because they didn’t want to do something such as clean something up, then as soon as your child is calm, they must clean up. Do NOT let them move forward without that because you’d only be teaching them that if they bit they can get out of doing what you asked.
So make sure you look closely as to why they bit and address it accordingly.
*Tackling a Biting Phase
Unfortunately sometimes biting can be more of a phase versus a 2-3x occurrence. If this happens do not panic. It’s going to be okay.
One of the beginning steps of moving through a biting phase is to understand why your child is biting. Ask yourselves these questions:
What happened right before?
What made my child upset?
What are they trying to communicate?
How can I identify their feeling for them?
These are going to be your base level questions in understanding your child’s interaction. Because again if it’s for an extended period of time, it’s not because someone grabbed a toy once. It’s not because they had to clean up twice. It’s an ongoing issue and your child needs to learn stronger communication skills. So firstly recognize what situations are causing this and identify them.
Next, once you go through the immediate action steps discussed above, you really need to practice with your child appropriate communication skills. If they are angry then have them repeat “I am mad!”. They literally need practice identifying what they are feeling and saying it out loud.
Another great one is “my turn!” To let friends know your child is using it. Or “I’m using it!”. Provide them with small utterances to say right away if they want to communicate their wants versus biting. But give them the words and practice it with them. Modeling is great for this. You say it first and have them say it back. For anything to become a habit, practice and consistency is key! Practice, practice, practice!
And if your child is struggling with this a lot then create opportunities for them to practice. For example when you’re at home take something of their’s and help them practice saying “my turn” or “I’m using it”. Then have them say it 3x more and give them the item back.
The more you practice, the more your child will internalize the appropriate response and the more the biting will diminish. It’s going to be a process, a tough one for sure because biting garners pretty severe effects but the only way to tackle it is head on with providing your child alternate positive and appropriate means of communication.
*Summary
Alright parents! Now you have immediate and long term strategies to help get your kids from biting to hugging and sharing!
I cannot stress enough that the only way this will work is for the practice and repetition to occur. If you want them to forgo their current way of communicating their frustration, well then a new method must be learned and implemented. For that to become their go to method the practice has to be there. Follow all the steps above to help mediate situations and you will get through it eventually. The more you put in the more they will get out.
And as always, If you have any questions, comments, or ideas please share them in the comments section below with your fellow parents! And definitely subscribe to the newsletter for updates and ongoing happenings at TylekTeaches.com. The subscription link is just at the bottom of this post.
Leave a Reply