Hello lovely! And welcome back to the blog! This week we are chatting about separation regression in your kiddos. This is not something every child experiences but it does happen quite often in the early childhood age. So let’s take a look.
What is separation regression? Easily put, it is when your child, who has released all attachment issues with you previously, is starting to show signs of anxiety again when either they are being dropped off somewhere, or you are leaving them.
For example, separation anxiety can commonly happen when your child starts a new school. They are in a new environment, with new people, everything is unfamiliar and you are leaving them there. You are their safety blanket but by you exiting, they begin to feel anxious about all the new things and people around them.
All of this makes sense right?
But what happens when it’s march and for some reason, your child starts getting upset again that you are dropping them off? You approach their preschool or elementary school and all of a sudden it’s melt down city.
What is that about right? I mean we’re way closer to the end of the school year at that point then the beginning. Why are they suddenly feeling this again?
And this is just one example, a very easy and very common one. But the same thing can happen when you’re dropping your child off at gymnastics class or a playdate, or if you’re going on date night with your partner and your child is staying at home with a babysitter.
Periods of regression like this happen at times and can last anywhere from a few weeks to even 1-2 months.
But Why Does Separation Anxiety Happen Again? What Is Separation Regression?
When separation regression occurs, you shouldn’t put too much pressure on yourself or your child, and definitely do not bring in the mom guilt. This has nothing to do with that.
Remember, children are still very impressionable at this young of an age and they have not internalized all the learned behaviors just yet such as being picked up from school. We have seen this occur at the preschool around times where there is a sustained break that the child is at home with their parents. Some of the easiest examples are holiday breaks, winter breaks, spring breaks, and summer vacations.
Even if a child is at home or on holiday with their parents for a week, they can start experiencing a sense of regression. We actually see very tiny remnants of this after just long weekends. Our preschool students will come back a little more irritable, will take longer to say goodbye to their parent at the door, and may have some tears.
Now extend this time to a week and a half or even summer vacation…. Even the most extroverted student can have trouble coming in. We have seen it time and time again, and we always see the parent struggling at the door wondering what is going on.
So if your child has gone through this or is going through this now… do not feel bad. They simply need to relearn the separation pattern and return routine. It’s very normal and very common and this is how you can help.
How Can You Support Your Child Who Is Going Through Separation Regression?
1. Identify Your Child’s Anxious Behavior
Now that we understand why this can happen and that it is no one’s fault except the toddler/preschooler mentality, which is still developing, let’s see how we can put your child at ease and help your anxiety as well.
So first things first, and this will be easier with the study notes from above :), you already know that this can typically happen around longer breaks when your child is at home or with you. So plan for that ahead of time.
And you can do this by identifying the behavior first and then following through with the steps I have prepared for you down below.
Let’s get into those…
2. Discuss What Emotions Your Child Is Feeling
Because you can identify the behavior….you know what’s going on.
So now, you want to help your child understand what they are feeling. Reminder, all feelings are valid and personal, so even if you don’t connect to a specific emotion, your child still needs to work through it.
If your child is feeling anxiety again during drop offs or when staying with a babysitter, talk to them about how they are feeling. And if they cannot identify the behavior then you need to label it for them.
For example, “I see that you’re getting sad when going back to school. It’s okay to be sad. I know [insert your child’s name here] you are feeling sad and scared.”
When doing this, you are helping your child to understand and correctly identify their emotions. This also shows your child that you understand what they’re feeling and this actually creates a stronger trust between you both as well.
Basically, you’re having a civilized conversation where both parties are being heard even though you’re the only one talking. You’re talking and helping them talk as well.
3. Use Verbal Scripts to Help Support Your Child
Okay… after you help your child understand and discuss their emotions, you need to verbalize a resolution to help them calm down and feel comforted as well. If you simply say “I know you’re sad. I know you’re scared”, it won’t do anything except confirm their feelings.
You need to provide a resolution.
The way you do this is by saying your resolution out loud. For example “I know you’re sad to go back to school. But remember, it’s a short day! And mommy always comes back. Mommy always come back.”
Keep your verbal script short and too the point. Do we, as adults, really want to hear a long winded explanation when we’re upset? Not really. Neither does your child. They just want you to make them feel better.
Other scripts you can use that can be adapted to other situations are…
“You love going here.”
“Everyone is so nice. You have so many friends here”
“Mommy always comes back”
“You’re such a big friend. You’re so brave”
…. etc.
Any and all of these can help calm your child down when they are feeling a bit of anxiety leaving you.
4. Setup a Motivational and Supportive Routine Around Your Child’s Anxieties
The next step, after implementing the top 3, is setting you and your child’s goodbye on a certain routine. If you know what to expect with your child’s behavior when you are going to say goodbye, you can already implement steps to help preempt that behavior you know is coming.
For example, let’s talk about the school drop off again…
You get your child ready and are preparing to leave for the day. Perhaps your child has a favorite lovie that brings them comfort that they can hold on their walk to school. This should be a special item that they more so use on this walk to keep them calm.
Next, while walking you can already start positively talking about how great the day is and all the fun toys at school and maybe a playmate they really like. You can also remind them of their loving teachers and how much she loves them and can’t wait to see them at the door.
Quick Note: You do not want to say here that your child will be feeling sad or scared. That is simply for identifying the behavior. If they are not feeling that emotion yet…. Do not invite it in. But once you see that it begins, then you can identify it. Do not identify anything that is not there just yet. Your child may get upset at this if you do.
While walking to school, more towards your final few minutes, remind them again that mommy always comes back. You can say it 3x or more. The idea is the more your child hears it, the more they will internalize it, and the easier the separation will be.
You should then repeat this routine every day on the way to school. And if there is something else that works for your child to make this goodbye and separation easier, then include that and make it part of your routine too.
Next, it’s important to be consistent. Consistency in routine helps provide structure for your child. Structure gives them a sense of safety, which leads to comfort.
Of course this is just for the preschool drop off example, but you can make a routine around any situation that is causing your child separation anxiety.
The key is to create one and be consistent on the positive motivations leading up to the goodbye. Routine! Routine! Routine!
5. Practice Short Goodbyes and Long Hellos
Once it is time for the actual goodbye to occur, keep it short! Short! Short!
The easiest way to understand it is like this.. you have a bandaid, and you can either pull it off slowly causing pain for a much longer time, or do one quick swipe and it’s off right away.
What causes your child the most stress is the goodbye process. It’s not walking to school or being in school, but actually saying goodbye. So do you think it would be better to draw that process out for 15minutes? Or would a quick 1-2minute goodbye be better and head off?
Trust me, once you are gone your child is quickly redirected by a new toy, person or something else. Especially for a regression, once the goodbye process is done, getting them actually happily involved in something else is unbelievably fast.
So it does not make sense for you to create a situation of distress for a prolonged period of time, rather than saying a quick goodbye and having your child redirected to something that will divert their attention much sooner. That is key.
So the short goodbye is crucial. Don’t make it harder than it has to be for them. And upon you’re return to pick them up, give them all the praise for how wonderful they did and how brave they are!! We all love a little praise don’t we?
The more you swing the attention towards a quick goodbye but a very fun and happy pick up, they will begin to seek that out more, which is what we want.
6. Adapt These Tips and Routine to Create a Habit!
After you have your new supportive separation routine in place, practice it consistently as we discussed above. The more consistent you are, the more of a routine it will become for you and your child, and ultimately the more of a habit it will become. This is ideal!
Once something becomes a habit, it becomes second nature and less discipline is needed in following through with it.
This is what we want. When this happens, your child will revert back to easily saying goodbye and moving onto their next activity with less tears and anxiety. The second it becomes a habit again, the regression is over.
Now does this mean it won’t happen a third time? Not necessarily, but it would be rare.
* Summary
We have officially resolved separation regression for your child! Is it as easy as reading this post? Actually quite close! The steps are not hard, but the follow through can be. Your child’s success will be dependent upon your consistency.
Let’s review the steps one more time..
1. Identify the separation regression behavior so you know what steps to take.
2.Talk to your child about the emotions they are feeling. They may need help understanding their reactions.
3.Move through a verbal dialogue that motivates and supports your child through conversation. Sometimes saying things repeatedly and out loud helps to soothe and calm a stressful situation. Think about cheerleaders, be your child’s cheerleader!
4.Be sure to set up a routine to help motivate your child and keep them calm to preempt any anxiety behaviors.
5.Always practice short goodbyes and long hellos! Rip the bandaid off but always reward them at the end of the day on their positive turn around.
6.Make this a habit. Once it’s a habit, you’ll be over the hill and back to your normal, less anxiety prone, goodbyes.
Alright parents, you have all the tips and strategies to help your child move through separation anxiety swiftly and as supported as possible. If you follow these steps, your child will be sure to have happier goodbyes in no time.
And as always, If you have any questions, comments, or ideas please share them in the comments section below with your fellow parents! And definitely subscribe to the newsletter for updates and ongoing happenings at TylekTeaches.com. The subscription link is just on the right hand side of this post.
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