One of the biggest struggles you will encounter as you venture on through the wonderful journey that is motherhood, is the ongoing battle of boundaries. For most people, this is a common issue that happens with relatives, work colleagues, and some friendships. But truth be told, you haven’t experienced anything until you’ve dealt with teaching your preschooler about boundaries.
You might be asking yourself, why would this be so hard? Or, why would I even need to teach my preschooler boundaries? Or perhaps you think that boundaries do not have a spot in your household. You are all hands on deck for exploration, fun, and adventures! However, if you really want any of those things to take place, and I’m sure we would all love that, boundaries are the first thing that need to be taught before that even happens.
Boundaries will also help ease daily routines, sleep behaviors, family meal time, outings and more. Trust me, one of the most discussed topics during our parent workshops in the preschool is specifically about boundaries and how parents can help not only teach but enforce them to make a more stable, happy, and joyful household.
So you see, boundaries are necessary for any successful household.
*What Do Boundaries Do For Us in Adult Life?
The first thing that we want to take a look at is really understanding what boundaries do for us in general life and how they work. Let’s make it a little more relatable by looking at these examples.
1. Boundaries Within the Work Field
Think about the boundaries that you have with your job. Perhaps you have a standard 9-5. You arrive at 9am, work diligently for a few hours, break for an hour for lunch, work for a few more hours, and are able to leave at 5pm to head home. Perhaps you still receive work emails on your phone but do not respond because you have put that boundary in place that work ends at 5pm and anything after that is family time. That’s great!
2. Boundaries With Relatives
Perhaps you have an overwhelming family member. Maybe this person relies on you for always taking care of most items with other relatives, family events, etc. We all know we have at least one of these relatives if not more. This person expects you to do this, do that, listen to stories about this relative, fix an argument with that relative. It can get exhausting! And if you do not put a boundary in place you’re going to lose your mind! (I’ve been there). See, boundaries will help you stay sane.
3. Boundaries With Friendships
This is another really important one that affects more people than one would think. Everyone has a few really great relationships in there life, but there can always be one or two negative relationships that simply bring you down. In this friendship, maybe the other person is constantly pulling you to places you don’t want to go and making you do things you don’t want to do. Maybe they are only invested in the relationship as it feeds them, spoils them, but leaves you drained on the side most of the time. This type of relationship creates more negative energy than good and boundaries need to be put in place so you are restored back to your glorious self.
Some of these boundaries can include seeing this particular friend maybe less often, once a month or so. Another boundary could be that for every time you do something they like they need to do something you like. Or the strongest boundary, if nothing really good is coming from it, just end the friendship. Easier said than done, I know, but this kind of boundary will really help bring light back into your life if the relationship is really that detrimental.
The point is we have boundaries all around us every day. They help keep us safe, they help us thrive, they make us happier people. If we practice using these tools everyday then it only make sense to teach our kids what they are and the level of respect they should receive.
So let’s take a closer look at instilling boundaries for children.
*Benefits of Boundaries For Children
A really important thing to remember here is that boundaries keep us happy and safe, and they’ll do the same for your children.
Think about this, it’s 6am on Saturday morning and you’ve had a hectic week, and your 5yr old comes screaming out of their room and into your room. They start jumping on the bed, waking you up, and as soon as you get up, they run screaming out to wake up anyone else or start playing and so forth. Sounds horrible doesn’t it?
Well the reason this is happening is because there has not been any boundary put in place that teaches your 5yr old that they cannot run into your room screaming at 6am on Saturday or any other day for that fact. I would immediately teach them that mommy and daddy’s room is off limits until you, the parents, are ready to get up and get started for the day.
(Truthfully, my boundary would be that they actually need to stay playing in their room until you go and get them and tell them it’s time to get the day started. But we’ll get there)
If this is the routine for your day, it starts your child’s day on an extremely high energy mode, you’re already angsty and everyone is ready to just bicker and argue. This does not make you happy, and this will not make your child happy. And I am assuming if this behavior is typical, then you’re most likely missing boundaries in some really key parts of your day.
Again, boundaries help you and your kids feel safe and happy. So let’s make you guys happy!
*How To Achieve Boundary Success
1. Have “The Talk”
The first thing you need to do is have a serious talk with your kids about what boundaries mean, how important they are, and that they will really let them have a lot more fun if they can follow them.
But seriously parents, this is really important. You need to get your point across. If you see your kids laughing or not making eye contact, then they do not care what you are talking about. That should also not happen. If I talk, you listen, end of discussion. You are the parent, put your foot down. You got this! Make them listen.
2. Just use 3 Simple Boundaries to Start
You never want to start with too many boundaries because if you just throw a whole bunch of new rules at them they are going to rebel. REBEL I TELL YOU! That’s not to say they won’t push back when you are first implementing just one. They will. But a slow acclimation is better than too much too soon.
The following are the basic 3 boundaries every parent should have in their household. These are the first 3 that we teach at the very beginning of the school year and what all the rest of our boundaries are based off of.
3. Beginner Boundaries:
You always have a calm and gentle body: This means obviously no hitting, being physical, biting, rough housing, everything! But the positive language spins it in a much more positive and light hearted manner.
Use your words: This means that you, the parent, will not listen to screaming, whining, or physical tantrums of any kind. If they want to communicate with you, they use their words. That’s it. (Side Note: This obviously does not refer to any child who has not learned to speak yet).
This works very well in preschool. If they can learn to use their words with 12 other children, they can learn to use their words with their mom. But again, you need to enforce it every single time or they won’t follow through.
Listening Ears: This basically just means, anytime you talk..they listen. Again, end of discussion.
*Success for the Future
This may look over simplified, but trust me, for many parents out there this is where you need to start. Of course you want your child to stay in their bed, who doesn’t? But if she’s not listening why would she care what you want.
Or, you have two kids and they’re fighting over a toy. You take it away and they start screaming at you. Of course you want them to stop and use their words but why would they if they don’t have to? You can’t teach appropriate communication without putting the boundary there in the first place. You also can’t teach turn taking if they don’t communicate appropriately.
Let’s take that example, one step further…not only are they both pulling at a toy, but now they start hitting each other over it! What do you do? This is when that first boundary comes into play, we always have a calm gentle body. If you practice that, plus using your words, turn taking will happen much quicker than the rate it’s going.
Implement these 3 beginner boundaries and all the rest of the boundaries like sitting at the dinner table, brushing their teeth, staying in their bed, sharing, will all follow suit. I promise.
*Summary
Now you have the 3 best boundaries that will serve as building blocks for anything else you want to teach your little ones. But also remember, that there’s nothing more persuasive than a real life model. They watch you, they look up to you, they copy you. If you don’t believe me, please ask your preschooler’s teacher :).
So if you want your kids to be able to follow these boundaries make sure you’re doing them as well. If they are using their words, listen to them! If they just had a fit but were able to calm their bodies, tell them how proud you are. You can do this parents!
Are you getting the gist here? Trying to make it as simple as possible for all the parents but the follow through is key. The only way to fail is if you don’t follow through every single day.
We will also be talking about all things daily boundaries in the upcoming weeks! That means specific morning boundaries you want help with and what your morning routine should look like. We will also be discussing evening boundaries such as story time and staying in bed, etc. So make sure to check back for those as well.
In the meantime I will add my post on the best evening routine here. 🙂
If you would like specific strategies for teaching behavior boundaries let me know in the comments below. And as always, If you have any questions, comments, or ideas please share them in the comments section below with your fellow parents! And definitely subscribe to the newsletter for updates and ongoing happenings at TylekTeaches.com. The subscription link is just on the right hand side of this post. See you there!
Tammy Louviere says
I’m a nanny of three small children. The oldest is 5yr and the most challenging. He was almost 4 when I started and he knows no boundaries and I feel I’m the only one to try and set them. Any tips for caregivers?
admin says
Hi Tammy! So caregivers would follow the same pattern as any other guardian would. The information in the post still applies regardless if your the direct parent or not. However, it is very important that you and the parents are on the same page so the child does not refuse confusing messages. If she receives one message from you but can do whatever she wants with parents, then she will continue to push back. Everyone does need to be on the same page. I would at least have a discussion with parents about what your new expectations with her will be and hopefully they’re supportive. Then you can start practicing that. But remember it will get worse before it gets better because new rules are hard to follow especially for a little one who is already having difficulty. But if you stay consistent and so do her parents, you’ll be on the right path.
Something to help with this right away will be a rewards chart so she at least has something to work towards and get excited about versus just being given a new role. Sometimes a visual aid such as a rewards chart will help motivate them towards the positive. Good luck!