It’s every parents worst nightmare… You’re at a restaurant and your child begins screaming for the ipad, or starts screaming because they don’t like the food. Or perhaps, it’s early morning and you chose the wrong shirt, and your child throws themselves on the floor. Or maybe it’s nigh time and it’s always a battle to get your child into the bath, or trying to brush their teeth. All of these do indeed constitute a challenging behavior.
Now imagine if they happened as more of a daily occurrence rather than once in a blue moon? What would you do?
This post will give you 3 super simple quick tips to reach for in times of need. And! If practiced often, you’ll find yourself reaching for them less and less as your child’s challenging behavior will begin subsiding all together. Now that’s the end goal we are all looking for isn’t it?
*So What Is a Challenging Behavior?
Alright, first things first, we must define a challenging behavior. It’s much more simple than you think, trust me. A challenging behavior is any behavior that presents a challenge in a negative way. See.. easy right?
Let’s look at some examples…
Little Timmy wants to watch his favorite TV show but it is time to go to bed. He begins screaming and shouting after you turn off the TV. That is a challenging behavior.
Sally Sue refuses to eat her dinner and starts crying at the dinner table. That is a challenging behavior.
Sara becomes uncomfortably quiet when in front of new people. That is a challenging behavior.
James is the best at all things sports, but cannot seem to learn how to control his body when doing anything else. That is a challenging behavior.
Sammy is doing great in school, has established appropriate preschool friendships, is amiable and sweet across all contexts, but seems emotionally stunted whenever she does something wrong. That is also a challenging behavior.
What equates them is that they all create negative and uncomfortable circumstances for the child and the adult alike. Whenever this occurs on a more frequent basis you know you are to begin enacting these 3 steps pronto.
So let’s look at how to tackle them.
*Quick Tip Strategies
I am going to let you in on a little secret, practice makes perfect! The more you practice each of these steps coming up, the more your child, and yourself, and your household too, will benefit!
1. Keep Your Calm, and Give a reminder with a positive Message!
If your child is screaming, there is nothing worse and frankly nothing more embarrassing then a parent and child locked into a screaming battle. Especially if that child is 3 years old. Please don’t be that parent. Insert monkey emoji with hands over eyes. No one wants to see that.
So what do you do.. keep your calm, and in a low gentle voice, say this single phrase
“I cannot hear you when you’re screaming. Please use your talking words so I can hear you.”
Then look away! Move your attention to something else, stay distracted! Their entire purpose is to garner your attention so if you stay locked into their tantrum, you are just feeding the behavior. As soon as you do this, your child will calm down and start speaking to you normally.
But, what if it continues…
2. Ignore Attention Seeking Behavior
I know this one may seem a little harsh but trust me, it’s not! If your child is simply giving you a ridiculously hard time because it’s time to take a bath you shouldn’t feel guilty about ignoring them. They’re not hurt, they’re not in a dangerous situation, and frankly you are teaching them that they cannot talk to you like that. You’re not ignoring them, you’re ignoring their behavior.
So… give them time to scream (remember: stay calm) and repeat the phrase again.
Do Not Engage them while they are having this behavior. Eventually (most of the time sooner rather than later) they will calm down, and usually somewhat soon. And when they are calm and speaking to you appropriately, then and only then do you speak to them.
3. Praise the Calm Down
Praise them for calming down and using calm and gentle words. Remember, your little one is learning how to regulate for the first time, how to communicate for the first time. Screaming is not appropriate, using calm words is. You need to help teach them this.
And that’s it! Practice these 3 steps day after day, tantrum after tantrum, however often you have to to make it stick! Seriously! Just practice.
If you don’t see a change happening in your child and their behaviors, it’s because you are not following the steps as described or doing it as often as needed. Both need to happen together for there to be success.
*Creating Change Across Contexts
This is an important thing to remember, if a toddler or child is struggling with behavioral management it is imperative that it be addressed as soon as possible. Why you ask? I mean besides the obvious point that you want to move on with your daily happenings, but more so because disruptive behaviors will follow you across contexts.
Let me explain a little more clearly. If your toddler, preschooler, child, teenager, whoever it is, has learned that screaming will get them what they want…do you think they care if they are at home, at the movies, or at a restaurant? If your child knows that if they cry, you will come running, they are going to do that at home, at school, at the playdate, at the field trip etc.
You are teaching them this! By giving into the behavior, you are leading them to the exact response they are looking for.
This is why it is extremely crucial to not only begin tackling the behavior asap (because let’s face it, no one wants that version of your kid sticking around) but also doing so across different contexts as well. You need to stop the screaming at the restaurant and at home. You need to stop the crying at school and at playdate drop offs.
If you do not follow through with the same boundaries and limitations in different environments, you will only teach them that they need to speak appropriately when at school but at home they can scream. The whole point is to teach your child what is appropriate and what is not.
Do not base it on your surroundings. Practice it everywhere.
Toddlers and preschoolers are engaging with new environments all the time, it is up to the parent to teach the proper behavior protocol for anywhere.
*What If It’s Still Not Working?… Enter special Cases
Now there are a few times that some behaviors cannot be addressed with this three step process. And that’s okay!
But you need to learn the signs for if your child is struggling with intense challenging behaviors outside of the norm. Outside of what is typically appropriate with regards to their development.
In these cases you may want to seek a second opinion. There may be extenuating circumstances that require testing, evaluations, or services. This is not meant to scare you but to keep you open to special cases.
*Don’t Be Afraid to Ask for Help
If your are really having a difficult time and personal research and implementation is not working ask for help. Ask other parent friends, and definitely ask your pediatrician. That is the perfect place to start. And see if what you are dealing with is within the normal range or if you should really seek further support.
It is also a very good idea to seek personal support if your’e having a difficult time working with your child on their behaviors. Seeking personal support only shows strength and dedication to what you are working for and to yourself. So if you feel yourself floundering, getting depressed, feeling like nothings working, practice a little self care and please go do that for yourself.
*Summary
So there you have it. The 3 easy tips to finally overcoming your preschooler’s challenging behaviors. Say goodbye to the days of anxiety, shouting, and crying. Say goodbye to disruptive and aggressive behaviors and hello to calm and smooth flowing days. I know you can do it so begin the practice now.
And as always, If you have any questions, comments, or ideas please share them in the comments section below with your fellow parents! And definitely subscribe to the newsletter for updates and ongoing happenings at TylekTeaches.com. The subscription link is just on the right hand side of this post. See you there!
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