It’s a typical day at the preschool. We open at 8:30am, let the toddlers/preschoolers in, ask how their evenings were, anything we need to stay on top off, the regular morning routine. The preschoolers are enjoying free-play before washing up for breakfast and starting their academic day with morning meeting. It’s all quite beautifully scripted in my head. After circle time, the kids transition to centers followed by playground and water play outside in the sunshine, it is summer time after all. The day moves along swimmingly…. So you’d think.
But… what you might not know, is that by this time, we’ve had at least 2 toddler bathroom situations, 2 friends eating too slowly or refusing to eat all together (hello toddler tantrum!), and a few bouts over sharing materials with another friend refusing to clean up. All the standard preschool behaviors if I do say so myself.
This however, does not lead the day down a negative path. Quite the opposite. This is what we use as learning points to help teach our preschool students how to move through difficult transitions or moments of unease, and get on with the day without having… their toddler tantrum.
And.. this is also the most popular question we help our preschool parents with as well. So let’s tackle them here together. We are diving into the 5 most common tantrums your child is having and how we use them to our advantage and get on with our day! Let’s jump in!
1. Building a morning routine that distances toddler temper tantrums!
Every family has a different morning routine. That’s okay. The most important thing is that you have one. Why you ask? Well it’s very important for your child to be able to know what to expect in their day. Seriously. The less confusion and ambivalence you have around them, the more sure they will feel about getting through those periods. And the first one starts right in the beginning of your day.
One of the things we thrive on in the preschool is our structured schedule, our preschool routine. This is one of the best tools we have that help the students navigate through their activities. This should be the same for at home.
By creating a routine (with consistent structure and boundaries), you allow your child to prep themselves for whatever is next, without uncertainty and anxiety of what’s to come.
So back to the morning routine… make sure you keep it simple! Kids are not doing 15 steps. If it’s too long then you are just asking for overwhelm and inviting your child’s negative behaviors to come out. Let’s not do that.
Making the bed, breakfast, teeth brushing, getting ready for school. Now of course you can break each one of those things into smaller task building steps but again we don’t want to make that evident to your child. To them, keep it at 4 easy things.
Make the bed.
Eat breakfast.
Brush teeth.
Get ready for school.
They will feel much more comfortable with the easy 4 step routine and get on with there day once it’s become consistent. Again, structure and boundaries will help ground your routine and lead away from toddler tantrums, and more towards positive behavior responses from your kids. Your morning should run smoother after this.
2. Getting dressed while practicing positive parenting boundaries
Alright, let’s tackle this one since it’s part of the morning routine too. The first thing you want to understand is that getting dressed, especially as your child enters their 3s and 4s, becomes a big part of their identity. This becomes even more true if they are involved in picking out their own clothes.
So when given this power, it is quite difficult for them to give it back. Now to avoid behaviors from your child arising over what they are or aren’t allowed to wear, do not present them with the whole wardrobe to choose from. Give them no more than 3 options that you have already pre-approved and move on from there. If you provide your child with too many options, they will again feel overwhelmed and may have trouble making a decision.
Now, if your child doesn’t like any of the items you picked out, very calmly and kindly let them know that they can make the choice or you will help to make the choice for them. This is a very strong parent strategy for managing your child’s behaviors. Your attitude is calm, you present the situation, but also still allow them to have the power of making the final decision in how they would like to proceed.
You will see that their opinion changes from not liking anything to making sure they have the final call. If they are still hesitating, provide them with another reminder before stepping in and be kind about it. Remain cool so they don’t see you are on alert which may in turn cause them to be anxious.
Should your child still be taking too long, you will need to make the choice for them, at which point a tantrum will ensue. But remain calm. You gave them numerous reminders, they knew what was coming but were trying to push your parent boundaries, which is not appropriate. If this is the case, invite the meltdown and use it as a teaching point. Remind them next time they are picking out clothes, to follow through or they may get sad again about mommy doing it for them.
Always try to make the connection when going through the situation again. Remember, no child wants to be sad so if you connect their current experience to the previous meltdown, it will act as a reminder to which they know they don’t want to feel like that again. This will help motivate them to make a choice and keep it moving!
3. Dinner time, disruptive behaviors and parent anxiety… Oh my!
Next up is dinner time! But it can really be any meal time throughout you and your child’s day. In the preschool we work around breakfast and lunch. You will conquer dinner time for the evening shift.
Now tantrums and meltdowns around food preference is a huge issue and every family will deal with it their own way. As a matter of fact, when we have a picky eater in the school we always ask for parent preference before moving forward with any practice or method.
But there is one thing that is pediatrician approved and will stand the test of time…. your child, regardless of food preference, will eat when they are hungry. And if they are having a tantrum because they don’t want rice and veggies and are screaming for French fries and hot dogs, well they might not have hit their hunger ceiling just yet. So keep this in mind, when your child is actually hungry… they will eat what’s in front of them.
And this is something you are going to need to experiment with. If you want to ween your child off of French fries with even just a little bit of rice, let them have the hot dogs and rice. If they refuse to eat the rice, well they probably had enough hot dogs and if they’re still hungry, just wait for them to eat the rice. If they scream about it, help them identify what they are feeling and let them know that you see they are upset but French fries aren’t on the menu tonight. You don’t need to get upset as their parent, keep your energy calm, and help them work through it. In actuality, there’s not much to work through as there are no French fries here tonight. That’s it. If they do not want to eat the rice, let them know that’s okay, but that’s what is available if they are hungry, that’s it. If your child is really really hungry they will eat it.
Now some parent anxiety may arise if your child doesn’t eat a full plate, and that’s okay. But you will have a much harder time curbing your child’s picky eating habits if they tantrum and you come running with French fries each time.
Another child behavior strategy you can use, which will take a little time and patience, is doing the 1 and 1 method. This means for every bite they take of their non-preferred food, they get a bite of their preferred food. That way you are still introducing new foods to their palette and helping to broaden their flavorful profile and texture tolerance.
I would recommend speaking with your pediatrician should your child be really struggling with this so you can see what works best.
Let me share a quick little preschool story. We have one child who drinks milk at home but refuses to do so in preschool. We have another child who eats broccoli at home but refuses to do so in preschool. This has lead to many a tears, but I want to make the point clear, a preference is just that… a preference. You make the rules and you set the boundaries for your home. Your child should eat what you put out. Put that boundary in place early or it will only make it worse down the road.
4. Managing your child’s cleanup routine for success!
This is definitely a preschool favorite! I can tell you that in the beginning of the year almost all students have to be taught how to clean up and to do so when asked. Of course we sing our little clean up song to help motivate the preschoolers and make the transition fun. But none the less, it is a habit we have to teach each September.
Again, boundaries are important here especially when teaching new children. One of the boundaries we teach is that you treat your classroom with care. You do that by making sure all our items are back in their home when we’re done using them. Any child who struggles with this action, and presents with possible negative or disruptive behaviors, will be supported through hand over hand movements until clean up is done.
This is something you can very easily do at home. Firstly, your child should be playing with only one material at a time. When that item has finished being fun, that goes away before the next toy comes out. But of course, kids will get up to their own tricks when playing in their rooms alone. And if they’re quiet…. Who are we to interrupt such an angelic moment am I right? :).
So before they go on to their next activity you ask them to clean up by using a verbal script such as “Timmy, it’s time to clean up now”. If they refuse, give them another quick gentle reminder and let them know that if they do not do it, you will be there to help them do it. You are again putting the decision making power in their hand, allowing them the control, before you are to step in. This is a positive parenting technique.
Remember, a child does not get out of cleaning up because they are screaming. Should a meltdown ensue, gently hand over hand support your child by placing your hand on top of theirs and calmly help them clean up. BUT! Do not, I repeat, DO NOT do the clean up for them. If you begin cleaning up their mess while they are shouting, you are only teaching them that if they shout, mommy cleans. ….Let’s not go there okay?
So you help their hands cleanup the items, and it’s okay if they are crying. They need to learn to clean up. They also need to learn that what mommy says goes. This is one of your parent boundaries, hold firm to it!
You could be hand over hand supporting them throughout. But that phase will soon fade and hopefully that only happens a few times before they learn the cleanup routine. You can also use their cleanup meltdown as a motivator reminder just as we did in the getting dressed scenario. These reminders work wonders for situations your child will want to avoid in the future :).
5. Bedtime behavior strategies for mama and child
Alright, the mama of all meltdowns, the bedtime routine. Also, can I just mention that the reason a lot of kids have a problem with this is because they know that they will need to say goodnight to you and they’re not ready to have mommy daddy time end just yet. If you go into every bedtime transition knowing that, it will help keep you a little more tenderhearted when moving through their tears.
But! There is no difference! Routine is routine, structure is structure, and just like the morning, if your child knows what to expect that will help a lot. And if you know they are prone to breakdowns here, then the shorter the better right?
Also the funner you can make it the less anxiety your child will present with once getting started, and move through their bedtime routine a little smoother.
But parents please, once you have officially said goodnight, that really has to be it. If you go back into their room because they start crying, or allow them to come out and cry to you, you’re only adding those extra 30minutes of strain to their bedtime routine.
Once you have said goodnight, your are done and you are out. I would very highly suggest going into your own room so you can simulate going to bed, and so they cannot bother you. If you have an escape artist on your hands, trust me that they are going to try and find you. Go into your room and relax there. They may come and sit in front of your door trying to get your attention 4-5x. After that, they’ll see it didn’t work and start occupying their time in their own room. And then sooner or later, will just relax in their bed after you say goodnight. But parents, hold strong and do not give in. Goodnight means goodnight.
*Summary
Okay! We’ve made it to the finish line and if you’re here with me, you should definitely give yourself a little pat on the back! We’ve gone through some of the most common toddler and child tantrums you’re seeing at home, ones we’re teaching around in the preschool, and how your little one is learning. Like I said in the beginning, big emotions will happen but they can be a teachable moment versus one of frustration and anger. Am I saying that won’t happen? Of course not! We all have our moments. But I’m simply trying to show you how to use it to your advantage. We work on this day in and day out and the preschool runs smoothly despite these little testy bits. I know your household can too.
If there is anything my preschool families, mamas and papas, have been asking me non stop is how to get their kids to listen to them like we do in school. And I promise you it is not that hard. We use my tried and true 4 step method. That’s it! But with practice and consistency, like we talked about, you’ll get their with your kids too.
And as always, If you have any questions, comments, or ideas please share them in the comments section below with your fellow parents! And definitely subscribe to the newsletter for updates and ongoing happenings at TylekTeaches.com. The subscription link is just on the right hand side of this post. See you there!
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