I’m not sure if there is something in the water.. in the air… in the house, maybe everywhere?
But the sun is shining, people are enjoying the weather and spending more time outside and did I mention families are growing? 🙂
Yes! Spring and love are definitely in the air, and in this post I can’t wait to chat all things new baby. Now the reason I’m discussing this today is because for some reason, at this time of the year and usually around fall the baby siblings are coming. They are making their entrance, they’re demanding the spotlight, and I know we’re all here for the cuteness.
But there’s a few little ones who might be struggling with the new addition to their household and those are the current stars of your lives, your older children. So as we enter into baby fever season, let’s take a look at how we can make the transition easier for our current toddlers, preschoolers, and older sibs.
*What This Looks Like For the Household and Siblings
So the first thing I want you to realize is that whatever you have planned, whatever you are expecting, throw it out of window, especially if this is your first sibling experience.
Why? Because no matter how much you prep you can never control the temperament of your kids, or of anyone for that fact. You can prep and support them through this, but as far as confirming what their reaction will be… well you’d be famous if you could do that :).
The reality is you’re moving your household from one child to possibly two, from two children, to possibly three, etc. The more children you have, the more the transition will affect more members of your family. Specifically, you’re taking your individual attention and now splitting it between 2,3, or even 4 kids, maybe more. That’s difficult. That’s difficult on your side as a parent, and that’s extremely difficult on the side of a child to understand that they now have to share their mommy’s or daddy’s attention with yet another person.
Because of this you can expect a lot of defiance coming your way. And to be truthful… it comes in stages. When your child is used to getting attention and all of a sudden everyone is gawking over baby, they’ll let you know they’re upset. When your child is used to having their toys and all of a sudden baby begins to learn how to grab and you instruct your older child to now share, they’re going to show you how they feel. When baby starts crawling, walking, talking, etc. and everyone is marveled at them, your older child will show their jealousy and frustration with the lack of attention.
Now this is all very common place. This is nothing to be concerned about. Even the most docile child who is going to have a new baby brother or sister will emotionally react in some way. These behaviors can include tantrums, hitting, stomping, crying, etc. But it can also be just simply pulling away from sibling or family interaction. We don’t want that either. So let’s take a look at how we can best support our little ones with the news that they’re going to be graduating to big brother or sister.
*Teach the Concept of a New Baby
Firstly, you are going to have to take a lot of time in discussing the idea of baby with your current little one. No this does not mean your child gets to decide if you have another kid. What I mean is children are very literal the younger they are. So understanding that a baby is coming home and staying there for the rest of their youth can be quite the abstract idea.
In order to really help your child understand that another baby is coming you need to allot time and practice patience. Help them understand what it means to bring a baby home. Help them understand what it means to have that baby there indefinitely. One amazing tool I love to use with families is playing house or baby with them in the home. Help them practice caring for the baby. Help them practice putting the baby to bed and reminding them that they’ll have to check on baby tomorrow because baby lives with you now. And keep this consistent. Consistency is key for any level of understanding to happen.
So to briefly summarize, begin slow, meaning introduce the topic thoughtfully and calmly. Then keep the conversation ongoing and obviously answer any questions as they come, and if your kiddos don’t have any… ask them! You want to get as much apprehension and anxiety out and welcome all curiosity to really get them excited about it. Lastly, begin practicing what home will look like with new baby through imaginative play.
Okay so we’ve covered how you’re telling your kiddo that a new baby is on the way. Let’s now look at how you can support them through that process.
*The Prep Routine Really Matters!
I would first like to preface this with, even with the most supportive and prepped plan… defiance is defiance and it will be hard. But I would definitely recommend mediating it as much as possible.
1. Transition Slowly
We discussed this above a bit but it’s important to mention twice. This is an extremely big change for your family unit so transitioning slowly would be very beneficial. This will help to alleviate any anxiety your other child or children may feel. That’s also why you want to talk to them early, provide them with time to react to the news and keep the discussion open. This is what creates a supportive environment for them during this change and for any others in the future.
It’s also possible that when baby comes they might have more questions. They might realize there’s a problem they need fixed that they didn’t see before. Please please please keep your dialogue ongoing with them. Because if you immediately turn away from their worries the second baby is home, they’ll feel as if they can’t trust you anymore and oh boy is that melt down coming.
You need to keep talking. And if they stop talking, then prompt them. You want a unified family unit, not one that doesn’t share what they’re feeling. And you’re going to need to help with that the younger your first child is.
2. Provide Lots of Individual Attention
This strategy, and this one is 100% mandatory, is to provide your older child with individual uninterrupted attention from both parents together and individually. Your child’s greatest fear is that this new baby is basically taking you away from them. And if they don’t show it in the beginning because you did a wonderful job prepping, they’ll show it the second baby starts crying and you run to them or when baby starts crawling, etc. and they lose your attention. It’s coming. It’s inevitable.
But to help with this you can arrange mommy and me time or daddy and me time. Create a schedule, perhaps a picture schedule, that they can easily read and show them when is their time with mommy and daddy and when is baby’s. Again, the biggest concern is that new baby is taking you away from them. The ONLY way to ease that concern is basically not to let it happen. Sure you’ll have to share your time now, but it’s vastly important to still spend one on one time with your older child so they are not jealous of all the one on one time baby is getting.
And you really should schedule it. If you don’t think you need to… well honestly, having multiple kids versus one is a big deal. You’re going to need to start scheduling things if you haven’t already and this should seriously be at the top of your list.
3. Verbally and Actively Reassure Them
The next strategy is another ongoing one, but again..consistency! Consistency! consistency! Do you know what I mean?
For this strategy you’re going to want to verbally reassure your child that everything is going to be alright. That when baby comes they’re going to be the best big sister or brother ever, and some things will change but mommy and daddy are always there for them. You are going to need to repeat this as many times as they need to hear it. And if you think they’re tired of it, say it a few more times for good measure. Trust me, they can seem happy and excited before hand, but when baby’s at home for a few days already, they’re going to need to hear your positive words that everything is going to be okay.
Now, this comes hand in hand, as it always does, with active reassurance. What do I mean? Actions speak louder than words. That’s it. Do not tell your child that everything is okay, mommy and daddy are there for them, but then be absent when they are feeling strong emotions. If you are saying that you’re going to be there for them through this change, then be there. I know this seems obvious but as you grow older we know this tends to lose consistency for sure. Tell them you’re there for them and show them you’re there for them.
I would like to add a little side note here though, if your child is presenting tantrum behaviors after new baby is home, the “being there” portion will look a little different. Now, your child is going to tantrum during this transition. It’s just what happens. They are at some point going to get mad, get tired of sharing attention, and be jealous of the new baby.. enter tantrum. You definitely still need to support them through this but it should be managed in a different way.
4. Make Them a Part of the Process
The last strategy I am going to discuss has actually gotten a lot more attention in recent years, which is really exciting. And this strategy is to make your child a part of the process. If you invite them in on what’s happening they’ll feel much more attended to then if you just told them this is how it is.
Make your child a part of the process. Having consistent ongoing dialogue as we discussed before, helps to contribute to this greatly. Two birds one stone if you will. You may have seen some parents actually gift their older child something from baby in the hospital. That’s a fun and exciting entrance of course. Kids love getting gifts. But the process has to be ongoing.
Include your older child on things they can help with at home. Maybe ask they if they want to show their new baby anything. This is also a great way to put into practice everything they learned during their imaginative play prior to baby’s arrival. Kids get very excited to show what they learned and this provides a fantastic opportunity to do just that while also making them feel important and acknowledged in this transition and event. And as I always say, keep it consistent, keep it going.
*Summary
Alright parents, these are my top recommended strategies for every single family to use when expecting a new child. As I mentioned, that tantrums are coming none the less. It’s a part of a growing family. And it’s an extremely difficult transition for younger children. But with these strategies, you’ll definitely support your little one much better through the process, help mediate some of their strong feelings that inevitably will come up, and hopefully resolve tantrums sooner because of the prep work you’ve put in.
Please make sure to keep it consistent. You don’t want to have worked so hard with your child before baby to just rewind all their progress after baby arrives. Also… as one adult speaking to another, just stay true to your word. If you say you’re going to be there then do it.
And as always, If you have any questions, comments, or ideas please share them in the comments section below with your fellow parents! And definitely subscribe to the newsletter for updates and ongoing happenings at TylekTeaches.com. The subscription link is just at the bottom of this post.
Leave a Reply