We are tackling quite the topic today. It is the number one thing plaguing most new moms, and I’m sure affecting you in some way as well. The dreaded but inevitable mom guilt. Laugh not! This is a real condition that plagues most moms at some point and can affect your mental health quite strongly.
Let’s view it this way. With the arrival of a newborn, the entire family dynamic shifts focusing desperately on this beautiful new life you are responsible for. There in that already creates a sense of anxiety and pressure that is completely unbeknownst to you. You work harder than you ever had before to love them, to protect them, make them happy, and so forth.
It only make sense that once it’s time to transition that major responsibility to someone else you instinctively feel this sense of guilt. You’re their mom, you’ve been there from the start. You involuntarily get this feeling of angst, this sense that you’re not doing enough, that you’re supposed to be there 100% of the time for your child, and that no one can do it as good as you.
This is all well and good but, if it’s creating this sense of sadness and depression, how much good is it actually doing?
Let’s jump into it.
*What Does Mom Guilt Look Like?
Before we can delve into the fun and indulgent ideas of how to relieve your mom guilt, we first need to learn how to identify if you’re experiencing it. After all, it’s always much harder to solve a problem if you don’t know there’s something wrong in the first place.
Mom guilt can rear it’s ugly head at any moment. Some of the first instances can even occur before your child reaches their first major developmental milestones. For example, it’s your first date night since welcoming your first bundle of joy. But as you’re getting ready to head out of the door, you feel your chest tighten, tears begin to come, and you have this wave of guilt consume you that you should stay home. Why should you go out and have fun when your baby’s at home crying for you? You must be doing something wrong.
Don’t do this to yourself. You have to get out of your own head.
If you think just having one single date night is difficult, what are you going to do when you have to leave them for prolonged periods of time on a more consistent basis like preschool?
But we’ll get into that a little later.
Let’s look at another example…
You’re at brunch with girlfriends, but it’s getting closer to your child’s nap time. Your friends are still chatting, eating, and sipping. But you’re beginning to get this nauseous feeling that you have to make your exit soon because your child has to go down for nap and you’re the only one who can do that.
Now let’s be realistic, are you honestly the only person who can put your child down for nap? Probably not. But you get his overwhelming feeling of dread that you have to be there. Your kid cannot and will not go down without you. You politely excuse yourself from the pleasant brunch you were having to run back home and attend to your little one.
This is the kind of guilt I am referring to. The kind that makes you feel like a terrible mother, when in actuality you’re doing nothing wrong! We don’t want anyone to feel like this, especially new moms because you give so much of yourself already. We don’t want you NOT going on date night, we don’t want you leaving brunch early, and we don’t want you running home.
You need to be able to take just a little bit of time for yourself, to feel like a real adult again and that’s completely okay. That’s the goal.
*What Causes Mom Guilt?
Now that we can identify what mom guilt looks like, we should discuss what causes it in the first place. There are a few things that always play a significant factor, but the number one cause is actually another emotion.
The feeling of failure is what will always precipitate a feeling of mom guilt. You will always have one right after the other. Think of it this way, you have this amazing child that you want to give the world to and if you do not do everything just perfect this feeling of failure creeps in!
Maybe your child isn’t potty trained yet but the other kids in your playgroup are. Maybe your child wasn’t even signed up for a playgroup and you found out that all the other kids were when speaking to new moms on the first day of school.
These little instances create a sense of worry in you leading to a feeling of failure. But what it actually is is a feeling of the unknown. You may have heard of the statement, “we never know what we don’t know”. Well, that’s all good and true, but that doesn’t mean you’re failing because of it. That’s the part that we have to learn.
Until we learn these things we can’t expect to be experts at them. This seems to ring true everywhere except when it comes to your children. But this will be where it is most important so that mom guilt doesn’t get created.
*Finding Mom Guilt at School
Clicky Moms…It’s a thing.
There is a second source that can cause extreme mom guilt, it’s your child starting school. We briefly mentioned that mom guilt can occur before major milestones. When that milestone is school, the mom guilt will get worse than ever before.
If you’ve ever seen those tv shows with the “clicky mom groups” (looking at you Big Little Lies), you’ll have an idea of what I’m talking about.This is actually based on a real thing. It might not be prevalent at some schools, and honestly it shouldn’t be a real thing, but it is! And no one has the power to make you feel like more of a failure than other moms. I say this because I’ve seen it happen over and over again. It’s important to protect yourself from this kind of socialization and character alignment as much as possible.
The Comparison Game
There is also a second part to your child starting school that can create a feeling of mom guilt as well. It is also a completely self-imposed consequence. On the first day of school every new family walks in and you can’t help but begin sizing up the other children, definitely the other moms, and try and make sure your child hits all the marks.
This behavior is completely second nature. We do it walking down the street, we do it when we’re eating, and of course through social media. It is only common place that you (and every other mom) do this when arriving to your kid’s new school.
Now, despite the fact that this is completely normal, do not let your mind go to that comparison place. Do not think about the different aspects that you can have done better. Your child’s sneaker choice does not matter!
You have enough things going on on that day, you do not need to play the comparison game. This will lead to unnecessary mom guilt and extra emotional regulation on your part. Let’s try and avoid that as much as possible.
*How to Resolve Mom Guilt: TLC Moments
There are so many things you can do to help bring yourself back to feeling like the great mom you are. You will most likely know what works best for you more than anyone else. But just to refresh your list and maybe give you some new ideas, please refer to the fun ideas below:
TLC Ideas!
- Take a few deep breaths in moments of need
- Watch some tv (something easy and funny)
- Talk to your partner
- Call a friend
- Read a book
- Sleep or nap!
- Take a relaxing bath
- Listen to music to try and redirect your mind
- Have a glass of wine!
*Summary
No matter what you do mom guilt will always be a part of raising your child. It just is, that’s a fact we have to come to grips with. However, if you know what to expect, recovering from it can be that much quicker. And trust me, it will require a recovery because mom guilt takes an emotional toll on everyone.
Also practicing self-care is a great idea to help combat it as well. If you want to be the best mom you can be, you have to start with taking care of yourself before anyone else. Only then can you have the upbeat energy you need to be the mom you want. Remember to avoid the comparison game, focus on positive energy, and you’re on your way!
As always, if you have any other ideas please be sure to share them in the comments below! I’d love to see other self care ideas and don’t forget to subscribe to our newsletter for all the latest happenings at TylekTeaches.com
[…] what kind of post you guys needed. Some of the discussions this weekend circled around mom guilt (find that post here), low self worth, balancing family life events, and more. But the number one thing I kept hearing […]